It’s that time of year again when stands in book-stores are filled with the complete works of Jane Austen and frilly pink gift editions of Shakespeare’s sonnets. Yes, Valentine’s Day is upon us once more, with its tantalising whiff of love, smooches and stuffed teddies. But what would bad boy of postmodernism, Bret Easton Ellis, have to say about this love thing? What advice might he offer to those in the dating game?
1. It’s always important to look one’s best
One thing’s for sure, surface is everything. Whether you’re dressed to impress with your latest designer duds like American Psycho’s Patrick Bateman or name-dropping your celeb friends like Glamorama’s Victor Ward, you owe it to yourself to be utterly beautiful and glittering. Prepare carefully for your romantic evening: exfoliate, wax, tweeze and moisturise. Don’t forget to floss. Then you’re ready to hit a nice restaurant like Spago with your date, and maybe a club or two later. Strike a pose, there’s nothing to it. Who cares what’s underneath?
2. Money = sexy time
There’s nothing more attractive to the opposite sex than walking into a bar and buying three bottles of Cristal, a Mexican dancing girl and a dwarf. And if you’re whining that you can’t afford it maybe you should just shut the fuck up and take a Xanax or something.
3. Pick your locations carefully
We all know some places are better to pick up that special person than others. Go for college dorms, parties, late night bars, restaurants with six month waiting lists and badly lit street corners.
4. If you haven’t got anything nice to say don’t say anything
It’s absolutely fine to be racist, homophobic and sexist. Just don’t let your date know that you’re racist, homophobic and sexist. It’s all about looks remember? But the thing to note carefully here is this only counts if you actually care about your date’s opinion. If you don’t, well you just keep right on venting.
5. Drugs make you popular and hot
Stuck for witty banter and topics of conversation on your date? Follow the example of Clay from Less than Zero; do some fat lines and you’ll be ready to impress the object of your affections with your sparkling wit, confidence and intellect. When you’re ready to go some place a bit more secluded and comfortable, take Valium to get the mood right.
6. Be quick! You've got a shelf life
You've got to be fast in this dating game. No amount of riches is going to help when you’re old and wrinkly at twenty-eight. Surgery can only assist you so far. So get yourself out there and hook yourself a real looker before it’s too late.
Just remember – there’s not someone for everyone out there, so you’ve got to be at the top of your game. But hopefully if you borrow a leaf from Bret’s bibliography you’ll soon be ready to put on those Wayfarers, hit the bright lights of the big city, and find some hard-body to love all of your very own.